“You aren\u2019t going anywhere without kissing me goodbye.\u201d<\/p>\n
I hear a groan, then a kiss, and a moment later the door shuts firmly. There’s a moment of silence before it is broken by the cats again, and I can almost hear Rose shaking her head as Esm\u00e9\u2019s car starts up in the driveway. \u201cFine, come get your breakfast, you fat fuzzy gits,\u201d she says with exasperated affection.<\/p>\n
When I next open my eyes, sunshine is streaming straight into the library and it feels a little bit more like get-up time. Out in the kitchen, I can hear very soft music, and occasionally a warm, mezzo voice quietly singing along.<\/p>\n
Rose is sitting at the kitchen table, busily typing at a battered laptop. Her face lights up when I come out. \u201cHey, how did you sleep?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPretty well.\u201d \u00a0I smile sleepily. \u201cI woke up to some rather eloquent uses of the word \u2018fuck\u2019 earlier though.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rose rolls her eyes and smiles. \u201cEsm\u00e9 ran a little late this morning. Entirely my fault,\u201d she adds with a wink. \u201cSorry if we woke you up?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t worry about it.\u201d I join her at the kitchen table, reaching down to pet a curious orange floof as he passes by my chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, what’s your morning poison?\u201d Rose stands up and stretches, dumping a lap full of the other indignant orange floof onto the floor. “We have more tea than God, or I can refill the coffee pot.”<\/p>\n
\u201cCoffee, please.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFancy Peruvian or Maxwell House?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEsme’s still drinking the bargain basement swill, huh?” I laugh.<\/p>\n
“At least it\u2019s not Sanka.\u201d Rose smiles, shaking her head. \u201cShe\u2019d be so defensive about that if she heard me talking about that. Never mind that I grew up on Folgers and seriously don\u2019t give a shit what my vehicle for cream and sugar tastes like.”<\/p>\n
\u201cThe more things change, the more they stay the same, huh? I’ll leave the coffee choice to you, seeing as I also don\u2019t really care about the so-called quality of my hot bean water.”<\/p>\n
Rose chuckles, vanishing into the pantry to get the carafe. “Hot bean water?”<\/p>\n
\u201cThat’s what it is. Theoretically, so is cocoa.”<\/p>\n
\u201cTrue. Still not quite as world altering as when my nephew pointed out that raisins were technically grape jerky.”<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is\u2026 somehow a horrible yet true observation,\u201d I admit. \u201cWow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cInnit just?\u201d Rose\u2019s head pops out of the pantry. \u201cCan I get you anything besides coffee? We have cereal, an embarrassment of apple varieties\u2026 I could make waffles?”<\/p>\n
\u201cNah, I’m good with coffee. Thank you, though.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rose nods, but lingers in the doorway, bouncing a bit on her toes and looking slightly distressed. \u201cI don’t know if Esm\u00e9 mentioned it, but please do tell me if the fussing gets on your nerves. I can be a bit of a hen sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, you’re fine. if anything, I’m disturbing you<\/em>,\u201d I say, pointing with my chin to her still open computer.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, that? Not really. Everything pressing’s already done.\u201d She grins. \u201cOne of the hardest things to get used to about my job post-pandemic is the idea that I don\u2019t have to be productive every single goddamn minute. A lot of my time is just being the person on hand in case of fires. Stupid Protestant work ethic.”<\/p>\n “What do you even do? Esm\u00e9 never mentioned.”<\/p>\n “Well, my actual position is something boring like \u2018Director of New Media and Outreach\u2019, but I find it\u2019s more fun to call myself a Professional Internet Toucher.” Rose smirks. “What about you? Esm\u00e9 said something about talent management, but I have zero idea what that entails.”<\/p>\n \u201cProfessional babysitter for rich, spoiled adults,” I answer in kind and Rose salutes with the large empty coffee cup she\u2019s holding. \u201cAt least that’s what the company does. Thankfully I haven\u2019t had to manage anyone aside from my staff in years.”<\/p>\n \u201cLike what kind of rich, spoiled adults? Movie stars?”<\/p>\n “A couple. Mostly just inexplicably famous tech bros that are so used to having everything done for them since birth that they can\u2019t function without some kind of minder. We keep them on schedule and not melting down on social media.”<\/p>\n “Oooh.\u201d Rose grins before vanishing back into the pantry. \u201cAnyone I’d recognize?” she calls back.<\/p>\n “Oh definitely,” I laugh. “But I can\u2019t tell you who unless you sign a non-disclosure agreement.”<\/p>\n “Fair enough. Sounds interesting, though.”<\/p>\n “It can be. More often than not I end my days reading all the myriad ways human beings can be self-centered and horrid though.” I smile, but it feels thin and strained. “Very inspirational for raising two boys into decent people and not utter human disasters, though.”<\/p>\n The coffee maker beeps, and I hear Rose pouring coffee for us both before emerging from the pantry with the mug she had before and another the same size. \u201cWe also have a lot of creamer choices. Half and half, almond milk, Girl Scout cookie, or hazelnut?” she asks, setting the cups down on the table between us before yanking open the bright red refrigerator. \u201cOh, ew, never mind, the half and half expired.\u201d<\/p>\n “Good thing I was going to pick the almond milk anyway.”<\/p>\n Rose sits back down, placing the carton of almond milk on the table along with the girl scout cookie creamer. We both cream and sugar our coffees, clink the mugs together in salute, and then sip them in companionable silence. I swirl my mug a little, watching the almond milk make cloudy patterns just below the surface of the coffee. “How is she? Like… really,\u201d I ask, finally breaking the silence.<\/p>\n \u201cEsm\u00e9? She’s… different.” Rose frowns, thinking. \u201cTrying to figure out how to explain it.”<\/p>\n I raise an eyebrow and mime holding round objects in both hands at chest level.<\/p>\n “Well, yes, obviously,\u201d Rose laughs, \u201cbut not quite what I meant.\u201d She looks thoughtfully into her coffee mug. \u201cShe still has a lot of work to do mental health-wise, but she seems so much less like a vase expecting to be dropped from a 20 story window.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWrapped up solidly in twenty layers of foam, duct tape, defensive behavior and self-isolation to keep from shattering?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAh. That seems about right.\u201d<\/p>\n Rose chuckles. \u201cI never considered her brittle, but I think she felt like she was constantly on the verge of breaking all of the time before and constantly reinforcing her walls as a result. Not so much anymore. Why’d you ask?”<\/p>\n I shrug. “I asked her how she was doing yesterday, but I also wanted to hear how she\u2019s been from outside of her head, if that makes sense.”<\/p>\n \u201cIt does,\u201d Rose says, sipping her coffee. “How did y’all meet up way back when?”<\/p>\n I laugh. \u201cDiving into the ancient history, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy not?\u201d Rose grins. \u201cOrigin stories aren\u2019t just for superheroes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe ran in the same circle of friends in college, mostly based around the science fiction club and its various offshoots. My best friend at the time, Sheryl, was dating Esm\u00e9’s best friend Pete, so there were a lot of dorm room parties we’d end up at together. It\u2019s funny because I couldn’t stand her when I first met her.”<\/p>\n \u201cReally?\u201d Rose giggles.<\/p>\n “Really. Like full on loathing<\/em>. To be fair, he… sorry, she, was a huge<\/em> jerk back then.” I pause. \u201cI know y’all weren’t dating that long before she came out, but do you ever have pronoun trouble when talking about the past?”<\/p>\n “Sometimes. We were friends for years before all this\u201d \u2014 she gestures around the kitchen \u2014 \u201cstarted happening so I occasionally fuck it up when talking about beforetimes. It does get easier with practice. But back to her being a huge jerk.” Rose smiles. \u201cFunny you say that, that was my impression of her at first too.”<\/p>\n I shake my head. \u201cShe was not quite a frat boy? Similar flavor of obnoxious dude though.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA douchebag?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot quite. Somewhere between a douche and a bro. But quiet about it, which was somehow worse because she’d just suddenly be offensive out of nowhere.\u201d<\/p>\n Rose laughs. “That sounds awful. What changed?”<\/p>\n \u201cI punched her in the face,” I say, grinning sheepishly.<\/p>\n Rose’s eyes widened. \u201cYou what?<\/em> Why?\u201d<\/p>\n “A very poorly timed joke about my height. She used to pick on me \u2018cause I was the smallest one in the group, while she and Pete were the biggest. Most of the time it was quotes about being short from movies or plays. Shit like \u2018Though she be but little, she is fierce.\u2019” I feel my mouth twist a little. “I guess she thought she was being clever about it or something. Anyway we were gathering to play xbox and drink in Pete’s room one night. It was my first night back on campus after my Dad’s funeral.”<\/p>\n \u201cOh, no.\u201d Rose purses her lips sympathetically. \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n I nod and keep going. “She hadn\u2019t seen me all week so she’d been saving up the perfect burn, or so she thought. So I walk in, and motherfucker has a tape recorder<\/em>\u00a0queued and ready.”<\/p>\n \u201cOh, no<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo she hits play and the \u2018We Wish to Welcome You To Munchkinland\u2019 song from The Wizard of Oz<\/span>\u00a0starts blaring out of the speaker.\u201d<\/p>\n If Rose\u2019s eyes get any bigger, they\u2019re going to fall out. “She didn\u2019t!”<\/p>\n “She did,” I laugh. “She was so proud of herself, too. I remember her smug expression while she did it. What I don\u2019t remember was the 15 or so seconds immediately after that. Next thing I know I\u2019m shaking out my hand and wondering why it hurts. Also why it\u2019s splattered with blood that isn’t mine. And why everyone around me is freaking the fuck out. Then I looked up, saw Ez and her split lip, and put two and two together.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFucking hell.\u201d Rose chuckles. \u201cLittle but fierce, indeed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor sure. Anyway, Ez surprised me that night. I expected her to be pissed off, but she was like \u201cnah, you know what, I absolutely had that coming,\u201d and apologized. By that point I was horrified at myself, cause I’d never hit anyone for real before, so I apologized too. We had an uneasy truce after that.\u201d<\/p>\n Rose raises an eyebrow. “How did the punching connect up to the dating, though?”<\/p>\n \u201cIt didn\u2019t, not directly anyway. It just somehow dulled the animosity enough to let us be reasonably cordial to each other instead of at each other\u2019s throats. A little fucked up in retrospect, but we were babies and didn\u2019t know any better.\u201d I pause, taking a sip of coffee. \u201cAnyway. One day, weeks later, she happened to see me having dinner by myself in the dining commons and asked if I minded if she joined me. I was almost done, so I said \u2018whatever, sure\u2019 intending to finish and vanish. But we started talking instead.\u201d<\/p>\n Rose drops her chin onto her fists, her face about as close to mimicking a heart-eyes emoji as a human face can get.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u201cOnce we started, we just kept going. It was like a dam broke. We just meandered from topic to topic and the next thing I knew it was 11:30 and the staff was asking us to leave so they could close. Ez offered to drive me home, if I didn\u2019t mind walking down the hill with her to get her car. We kept talking on the way, in the car, and then while just sitting in my mom’s driveway. By then it was well after midnight, so she asked first if we could do something like this again, and I realized I actually wanted to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAw. Speedrunning the enemies to friends trope.\u201d<\/p>\n I grin. \u201cA bit past friends, really. I also wanted to kiss him\u2026 her, very very badly.”<\/p>\n \u201cDid you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFuck yes. I had to do it from the top of our front stoop \u2018cause motherfucker’s 15 inches taller than me, but I did it.\u201d<\/p>\n Rose puts up her hand, and I obligingly high-five her. \u201cAnd the rest is history?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell.\u201d I smile wistfully. \u201cAncient history at this point. Almost fifteen years.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you\u2019ve been in California for\u2026\u201d Rose tilts her head, doing mental math. \u201cTwelve of those? About?\u201d<\/p>\n I sigh. \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo you and Ez were only really together for three, all told.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSounds right. Two years in college, one year out. Short, but intense.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah that\u2019s how she\u2019d describe you,\u201d Rose teases gently before tilting her head thoughtfully. \u201cDepending on how you count it, Ez and I have either just passed our third anniversary or will in Decemberish. Of course, in a lot of ways Covid fucked up time perception for a while, so there\u2019ve been some lively discussions over whether the three months Ez and I couldn\u2019t see each other count, whether 2020 as a whole counts, or whether the period of time between march 2020 and august 2021 counts, and if so for how much time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow do you count it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDepends on the day and how I\u2019m feeling at any given time.\u201d Rose grins. \u201cSometimes I start from that dinner date where the whole idea of doing a no strings kink experiment got proposed. Othertimes I\u2019ll count from the Sunday Esm\u00e9 gathered the gonads to both tell me that she was falling in love with me and come out to me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShe came out and confessed her feelings\u00a0at the same time?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYep. After making me breakfast because I was having a shit weekend.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s kinda sweet. And very Ez.\u201d I smile, looking down into my nearly empty coffee cup. \u201cJust get it all out at once.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I did have to nag at least one of those out of her.\u201d Rose takes a last sip of her coffee and puts her empty mug down. \u201cIs it okay we\u2019re talking about this?\u201d she asks gently. \u201cI know shit\u2019s fucked on your end, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, it\u2019s fine. Sorry,\u201d I say, realizing I\u2019d cut her off. \u201cI\u2019m not upset. I mean\u2026 you know why Ez and I broke up, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShe said it wasn\u2019t for a bad reason. You had an opportunity in California, and she couldn\u2019t move with you.\u201d<\/p>\n I chuckle. \u201cMore or less accurate. \u2018Course, it took me a while to get over her refusing to come. I mean I understood her reasons why she thought she couldn\u2019t intellectually, but it took a while to accept it emotionally. Years. I think I had Esm\u00e9 listed in my phone contacts as \u2018Fucking Coward\u2019 for probably longer than we spent together.\u201d<\/p>\n Rose giggles. \u201cDamn, okay.\u201d<\/p>\n I smile. \u201cI might have been a tinge bitter.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2026 don\u2019t think she\u2019d disagree with you in retrospect.\u201d Rose smiles sadly. \u201cI don\u2019t think she exactly regretted her decision to stay, and she still genuinely thinks letting you go was best for both of you. But I think sometimes she wonders what would have happened if she\u2019d had the courage to go with you.\u201d<\/p>\n I shrug. \u201cIt worked out for the best I think. I met Gary soon after I moved, and he helped blunt the hurt a lot. Also if she had, she wouldn\u2019t have you now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTrue.\u201d Rose\u2019s smile turns wry. \u201cOn the other hand, maybe if she\u2019d gone, she\u2019d have transitioned sooner. She went so far back into the closet after you left that I think she met Mr. Tumnus and the White Witch.\u201d<\/p>\n I choke on my last sip of coffee hard enough that Rose reaches over to give me a few concerned thumps between the shoulders. \u201cI\u2019d apologize, but that\u2019s probably the best line I\u2019ve come up with all week,\u201d she says, once I stop coughing.<\/p>\n \u201cYou bitch,\u201d I laugh, clearing my throat.<\/p>\n Rose giggles, then props her chin on her fist again, giving me a look that lasts long enough to make me vaguely uncomfortable. \u201cDo you know what you\u2019re gonna do, Saoirse?\u201d she asks gently.<\/p>\n \u201cNot a clue. Too many what-if\u2019s on the table.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you want<\/span>\u00a0to do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHonestly?\u201d I laugh, but it feels hollow. \u201cPart of me really just wants to say fuck everything and come back East. But I have too many things holding me out there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe boys,\u201d Rose says softly.<\/p>\n I nod. \u201cThe boys, the business, though I\u2019ve had enough offers to buy me out over the years that if I really wanted out, I could probably negotiate a nice price for my client roster. But there\u2019s no way in hell Gary\u2019ll agree to them moving across the country. I mean they\u2019re both young enough that if we did, they\u2019d adjust? But Gary\u2019s whole life and family is there, and in a lot of ways he\u2019s just as resistant to relocating away from his comfort zone as Esm\u00e9 used to be.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStill is, let’s be real.\u201d Rose tilts her head again, which she seems to do whenever she\u2019s thinking hard about something. \u201cWhat kind of dad is Gary? I know things between you two have long gone sour, but \u00a0what\u2019s he like with the kids?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, they love him. He spoils them rotten when he\u2019s around. But he travels so much and works such weird hours that they barely see him. I honestly think if we do split up with joint custody, he\u2019d probably end up seeing them more than he does now.\u201d I smile wryly. \u201cThen he can truly be The Fun Parent. Even worse if he moves back in with his mom, cause it\u2019ll just be a non stop spoiling circus over there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUgh.\u201d Rose scrunches her nose, which catches me off guard as it\u2019s a face I usually associate with Ez. But she reaches out, her hand hovering above mine. \u201cMay I?\u201d she asks, glancing into my eyes. At my slightly mystified nod, she takes my hand, squeezing gently. \u201cLet me know if there’s anything Esm\u00e9 or I can do to help?\u201d<\/p>\n It takes me a moment to register what she said, for at her gentle squeeze, a warm tingly wave of something<\/em>\u00a0rolls up my arm, spreads into my face, and settles as a fluttery feeling in my stomach. I can feel my eyes widen in shock, heat in my cheeks. \u201cOh.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n Rose raises an eyebrow and lets my hand go, shaking hers out. A sheepish dimple appears at the corner of her mouth, and her cheeks flush a little. \u201cWell, that was unexpected,\u201d she says, lightly. \u201cAnd unintentional. Sorry?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, don\u2019t be.\u201d I shake my head. \u201cI\u2026 it\u2019s been a while since anything like that\u2019s happened to me. Not since I had Remi, I think. I was starting to think I\u2019d lost the ability to be attracted to people entirely.\u201d<\/p>\n Rose\u2019s eyes gain a twinkle. \u201cWell, I\u2019m flattered, but that\u2019s not quite<\/em> what I meant by helping,\u201d she chuckles. \u201cRegardless. You know we\u2019re both here for you if you need us, right?\u201d<\/p>\n I nod, blinking back the annoying prickle in my eyes. \u201cI do. Thank you for that. And, weirdly, for this too,\u201d I add rubbing my arm until the tingling subsides.<\/p>\n Rose grins, dips her mug in my direction and finishes the last of the coffee in it. \u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n
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