\u201cHope you like books,\u201d Esm\u00e9 says as she unlocks her and Rose\u2019s apartment. \u201cWe\u2019re putting you in the library.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe what?\u201d<\/p>\n
Rose grins. \u201cWhen I moved in, my eleventy billion books had to go somewhere so they got our second bedroom,\u201d she explains. \u201cTurns out Esm\u00e9 also had a bazillion in storage, so we got them all in one room and combined them, built some bookshelves and boom. Library. I mean it\u2019s still a functional bedroom too. Sorta.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorta?\u201d I ask, wonderingly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll see in a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve all fanned out in the kitchen, and two large fluffy orange cats, after running to the door screaming mightily, are now cautiously circling my suitcase and sniffing. \u201cIntroductions first,\u201d Rose chirps, sweeping one up into her arms. \u201cThis is Brain. That one\u2019s Pinky. As you can see neither of them are pink and neither have a brain.\u201d She scratches the cat in her arms behind the ears, who goes limp, eyes half-closed in bewildered bliss. \u201cDo you, you giant hairy jackass?\u201d she coos at him affectionately before setting him back down. \u201cYou have roommates by the way, unless you have issues with lizards?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNah,\u201d I smile. \u201cMy sons have a bearded dragon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, you\u2019ll get on great with Goofus and Gallant then. They\u2019re significantly less pointy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a deep cut from my childhood dentist office,\u201d I laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cInnit?\u201d Rose giggles. \u201cEz vetoed Beavis and Butt-head.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 scoffs, rolling her eyes. \u201cThey\u2019re too cute to be punished like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
The library is gorgeous. Almost every available wall surface is lined with overstuffed shelves, with a fat armchair in the corner along with a small table and a lamp. In front of the window is a low shelf with a small rectangular terrarium; a closer peek reveals two fat-tailed geckos twined around each other in a hollow fake rock, fast asleep. Esm\u00e9 is right, they are very cute.<\/p>\n
The one thing missing from the room is a place to sleep.<\/p>\n
\u201cUh, so where do I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Rose grins, stepping to the far corner on the far wall of the room and tugging on the corner of the bookshelf, The entire front lowers, revealing it\u2019s a fa\u00e7ade. \u201cWhat,\u201d I say flatly as a full mattress emerges from the bookshelf, sheets neatly tucked around it.<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 sticks her head into the room, and grins at what is probably a very silly surprised expression on my face. \u201cOne of our pandemic projects,\u201d she explains, coming in and pushing the bed back up. \u201cCome look.\u201d<\/p>\n
The front panel is maybe only an inch deep, I discover as I inspect it more closely. The back of it is painted to give the illusion of depth, and the front is packed with what I realize are genuine book spines wrapped around bits of white foam, some even sporting plastic library jackets. \u201cWow, how long did this take you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA couple months.\u201d Rose runs her fingers over the spines and smiles a little sadly. \u201cI lost an uncle at the end of 2020,\u201d she explains. \u201cHe was kind of a book hoarder, and my younger sister and I ended up having to catalog them all afterward and sort out which ones to throw out, donate, sell, or give away. Most of these came from that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m so sorry,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks.\u201d She brightens. \u201cEsm\u00e9 really did most of the work on this. All the painting and assembly anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou helped,\u201d Esm\u00e9 protests.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you count being the \u2018stand here and hold this\u2019 girl helping.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTrust me, having a \u2018stand there and hold this\u2019 person when you\u2019re assembling something is critical sometimes,\u201d I say. \u201cJas and Remi are great for that when I have to put something together.\u201d<\/p>\n
And Gary\u2019s completely useless, <\/i>my brain adds nastily.<\/p>\n
It takes a moment to shove the wave of resentment the thought causes back into the little box in my brain where I generally keep it. When I finally manage, I look up just in time to see Esm\u00e9 and Rose look quickly away from each other, both of them quickly masking concerned expressions.<\/p>\n
Shit.<\/p>\n
I force a small smile. \u201cIt\u2019s really beautiful. You did a great job on it,\u201d I say, hoping the compliment covers the fleeting moment of awkwardness.<\/p>\n
\u201cComfy too,\u201d Rose chirps, letting the bed back down, this time locking it in place. \u201cI\u2019ll go find you some more blankets.\u201d She grins, bounces once excitedly, and exits the library to look for the aforementioned bed accessories.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs she always like that?\u201d I ask once she\u2019s out of the room.<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 grins. \u201cYep.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sit gingerly on the edge of the bed, finding it surprisingly sturdy. \u201cHow do you deal with that level of\u2026\u201d I trail off, searching for the word I want. \u201cExuberance?\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 sighs and sits beside me. \u201cShe\u2019s not usually turned up to eleven,\u201d she says. \u201cThat\u2019s just \u2018cause you\u2019re here and she\u2019s nervous about you being comfortable and having a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAw, that\u2019s really sweet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell you\u2019re our first overnight houseguest since Covid. And by extension since we got together. But yeah, she usually keeps it down to maybe a four. Also, I\u2019ve met her sisters.\u201d Her mouth twists a little, then resolves into a wry smirk. \u201cShe\u2019s a lot, but the older ones make her look sedate.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOof,\u201d I groan and switch focus. \u201cAnd how are you? I\u2019m\u2026 still kinda wrapping my head around all this. I thought I was prepared for it since I watched you transition over Discord, but it\u2019s something else seeing you in real life.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 blushes. \u201cA good <\/i>something else?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDefinitely. It\u2019s an adjustment, that’s all.\u201d<\/p>\n
I lean back a little, taking the long look at her I hadn\u2019t yet managed in the rush of activity, lingering on smaller details: the four purposefully mismatched earrings dangling from her ears, the soft swoop of brown eyeliner at the edge of her eyes, the messy eyebrows and perpetual scruff replaced with thinner, delicate arches and a soft smooth jaw. It\u2019s wild to me how a few very subtle changes to her face make her look completely different from how I remember her, and I find myself looking for what hadn\u2019t changed, something to bridge the sad, sarcastic boy I knew and loved years ago and the woman sitting next to me now. Her eyes are still that uniquely arresting green-tinged amber ringed in brown, her nose still a hair too sharp for her face. And there were the same dimples bracketing her infuriatingly beautiful mouth, though age has deepened them some.<\/p>\n
She lets me stare, looking back with a small smile. A decade and change ago she would have squirmed under the scrutiny until she found a way to break my gaze or escape.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow does it feel?\u201d I finally ask.<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 goes still for a moment, then her face brightens, like a sunbeam spilling through a cloud. \u201cHonestly? It\u2019s amazing,\u201d she says. \u201cYou remember what I was like. All bent and tangled in myself like a fucked up Slinky.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s an image.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank my therapist for that one.\u201d She smooths her hair back behind her ear. \u201cOnce I decided to actually do this, though? Holy shit. This is gonna sound stupid, but I felt like how it must have been when TVs switched from black and white to color. And the last three years have pretty much speedrunning the evolution from vacuum tubes to 4K Ultra.\u201d<\/p>\n
I giggle. \u201cYou absolute nerd.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAs Rose would say, literally a huge nerd.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I noticed you\u2019re carrying that better. You\u2019re a lot less awkward than I remember.\u201d<\/p>\n
She chuckles. \u201cThat part\u2019s weird. I don\u2019t trip over myself nearly as much anymore. You\u2019d think the narrower stride would fuck me up a lot more, but the opposite\u2019s true. Also, I can actually walk in heels. Makes Rose super mad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, God. You\u2019re too tall as it is, you wear heels on top of that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHeels on top of me would look silly. No, I wear them on the bottom,\u201d she declares solemnly, pointing at her feet.<\/p>\n
I roll my eyes and elbow her in the ribs.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I wear them sometimes. Apparently I\u2019m no longer immune to cute shoes, aside from the fact that I can rarely find them in my size.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI keep telling you to actually take Tam up on her offer to take you shoe shopping sometime. She knows the secret cabals that keep the lore of Cute Shoes for Big Girls,\u201d Rose fusses, coming back into the room with an armload of blankets and a couple more pillows. \u201cFrost warning tonight,\u201d she explains before setting them down, dropping a kiss on Esm\u00e9\u2019s forehead and leaving again, pulling the door most of the way shut behind her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019s Tam?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n
\u201cSecond of the four Thomas sisters. Rose the third. And, much to her constant annoyance,\u201d Esm\u00e9 adds, pitching her voice a bit louder and smirking, \u201cthe shortest.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFive eight is a perfectly respectable height, Sasquatch!\u201d Rose yells back from the kitchen.<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean, she\u2019s right,\u201d I laugh. \u201cSpeaking from the \u2018Lilliputian compared to both of you\u2019 side of things.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 grins, then abruptly sobers. \u201cTalk to me about you,\u201d she says quietly, a faint line appearing between her eyebrows. \u201cBeen kind of off since you got here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHave I, though? It\u2019s been a while, how do you even know what off for me is anymore?\u201d I tease, trying to steer away from the question.<\/p>\n
It doesn\u2019t work. Esm\u00e9 just raises an eyebrow and waits, and after a minute I give up. \u201cGoddamn you.\u201d<\/p>\n
She chuckles. \u201c13 years later and you still do that thing with your mouth when you\u2019re upset about something and hiding it. From everyone that doesn\u2019t know your tells, anyway. So what\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, once upon a time, you would have noticed the mouth thing but not said anything,\u201d I grumble.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, well, once upon a time I thought growing a beard and getting jacked would solve my self-hatred issues,\u201d Esm\u00e9 retorts. \u201cFortunately for all of us my facial hair grows in patchy at best and I love donuts almost as much as I love the woman hovering in the kitchen pretending she\u2019s just emptying the dishwasher and not listening to our conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOy,\u201d Rose protests. \u201cI was not\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSweetie, you hate <\/i>emptying the dishwasher.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laugh, but it sounds wrong even to me. Panicking a little at the tide rising from somewhere under my sternum, I look up and am hit with the full force of Esm\u00e9\u2019s nakedly concerned face.<\/p>\n
Big mistake.<\/p>\n
\u201cFuck,\u201d I whisper, before bursting into tears.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, hey,\u201d Esm\u00e9 says softly. \u201cShit. C\u2019mere.\u201d She scoots closer to me and pulls me into her arms. \u201cThere, I’ve got you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Between the words and the hug, the familiarity of it, the way I still know how to twist myself to fit against her (albeit with some correction for the breasts that weren\u2019t previously present), how the weight of her arm across my shoulders still feels the same as I remember\u2026 it\u2019s all too much, and I just break down, sobbing hard into Esm\u00e9\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n
I feel the bed shift gently on my other side as Rose joins us, adding her warmth to Esm\u00e9’s embrace as she hugs me from the other side. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d she says in a cartoonishly small voice. \u201cI\u2019ll never empty the dishwasher while you two are talking again. Scout\u2019s honor.\u201d<\/p>\n
I giggle despite myself, accepting the tissue box Rose offers me. \u201cYou\u2019re fine. And thanks?\u201d<\/p>\n
Rose smiles sympathetically and leaves again, this time pulling the door completely shut behind her.<\/p>\n
I look up at Esm\u00e9. \u201cSorry?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t apologize, you clearly needed that. Now seriously, what\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
I struggle with the answer for a moment but can\u2019t bring myself to say it. Finally I just reach into my pocket for my phone, poke at it until I find what I want, and hand it to Esm\u00e9. She squints at the pictured document \u2014 she\u2019s not wearing her glasses, I belatedly realize \u2014 and zooms in, murmuring the words as she reads. \u201c\u2018Superior court of California, county of Los Angeles, blah blah blah, petitioner Gareth Cornwall Randall, respondent Saoirse McLeary Randall, petition for dissolution of…\u2019 fuck, Sor, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
I snort. \u201cDon\u2019t be, he\u2019s a prick. Left on a sudden business trip two days ago and yesterday I got this fuckery in the mail.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 blinks. \u201cThen where are the boys?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh they\u2019re staying at their grandmother\u2019s.\u201d I smile a bit; once the kids were told they were going to sleep over at Maymay\u2019s over the long weekend they\u2019d barely cared about the whys. \u201cAs far as they\u2019re concerned Mom and Dad get to take little vacations this weekend and now so do they. They probably think they have the better deal seeing as Margaret lets \u2018em watch whatever they want and bakes all the sweets. And they have all of Gary and Britta\u2019s old game consoles so I\u2019m sure they\u2019re going to be playing a lot of Mario when they get picked up from school.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat does sound pretty sweet,\u201d Esm\u00e9 muses.<\/p>\n
\u201cSeriously. I would have killed for a gourmet baker for a grandma. Mine just liked to tell me I was getting fat whenever she saw me until I got old enough to thank her for the eating disorder she probably partially caused.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9\u2019s arm tightens around my shoulders. \u201cDo they know what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo point in telling them until I make sure Gary\u2019s for real with this or whether this is one of his tantrums.\u201d I say, sighing. \u201cPart of me wants it to be real. I\u2019m just so done with his bullshit and he probably knows that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 runs a hand through her hair, pausing at the back of her neck to briefly dig her fingers into the muscles. \u201cGod, I remember how happy you were at your wedding, Sor. You never let on that anything was wrong before now. What happened?<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n
Thinking about that nearly sets me off again. Remembering that day as the one in the dress walking down the aisle was not as glowing a memory, and what with everything that\u2019s changed for Esm\u00e9 the glimpses of sadness I kept seeing in her eyes that day whenever I caught her looking over at me or my bridesmaids suddenly have a deeper layer underneath the bittersweetness of witnessing your ex marrying someone else.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d never told Esm\u00e9 about the two screaming matches Gary and I had gotten into about her place in the wedding. He hadn\u2019t wanted her there at all (he lost, obviously), then he threatened to call the whole thing off if I insisted on having her be on my side of the wedding party, let alone as my bridesdude of honor. (I lost.) I definitely didn\u2019t tell her about how Gary and I spent our wedding night fighting again because I\u2019d danced with her once <\/i>during the reception.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt wasn’t just one thing happening,\u201d I say slowly. \u201cit was more a death by a thousand shallow cuts. Gary\u2019s very charming on the surface and for a while after we got married, he was still pretty great? But marriage\u2026 changes people. It’s not all sexy funtimes anymore, there’s practical shit that needs to be worked out like adults and a lot of the time he wasn’t capable of that. Then we had two kids and that changes you even more. All these tests are supposed to make you stronger as a couple, aren\u2019t they? If the relationship survives them.\u201d I swipe at my eyes again with a fresh tissue. \u201cOurs didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9\u2019s lower lip has wandered between her teeth, and she\u2019s got the slight frown she gets when she’s struggling to understand something, barely more than a thin line between her eyebrows. The expression is so familiar that it aches. \u201cSor\u2026 why didn’t you tell me what was going on?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re gonna hate the answer.\u201d I drop my head, looking at the floor. \u201cI didn’t want you to worry about me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 groans. \u201cYou\u2019re impossible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCome on. The last thing you needed over the past decade and change were my problems on top of yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould have liked to have decided that for myself,\u201d she says, reproachfully.<\/p>\n
Assertiveness is new from her, and it startles me. She has a point, though. \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
She shakes her head, waving off the apology. \u201cDid you tell anyone? I hate to think about you suffering in silence all the way on the other side of the country.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, Mom knew, trust me. She flew out to stay for about a year after Remi was born. Terrorized Gary into behaving for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 chuckles, no doubt remembering what a demon my normally sweet mother can be when pushed. \u201cDoes she know about the latest development?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI haven’t told her yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d Esm\u00e9 bites her lower lip as she looks away from me, a strange expression crossing her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
She\u2019s not the only one who can still tell when the other\u2019s bullshitting. I lower my head and give her my best dubious face, glaring at her through my eyebrows. It takes a moment, but she folds. \u201cShe doesn\u2019t know you\u2019re out East, does she,\u201d she finally says.<\/p>\n
I wince, then shake my head. \u201cWhen we started talking about me coming out last Spring, I thought it\u2019d be a family trip? Like a couple days the boys would stay with her, and Gary, depending on whether he came out with us, could do some stuff on his own while I hung out with you and Rose.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I remember. Which is why I was a little surprised when the plan changed a couple weeks ago. But you said your mom was going to be out of town, so there was no point in dragging everyone across the country if she wasn\u2019t going to be around.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut\u2026 she\u2019s not out of town, I\u2019m guessing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I drop my head into my hands. \u201cEz\u2026 there are a whole lot of conversations I don\u2019t want to have with Mom right now. Not least of which I\u2019d like to find out if this is actually a thing before I have to bail her out of jail for manslaughter.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 is very still and very quiet for a minute, and after the silence stretches too long for comfort, I look up. She\u2019s not looking at me, but her face is blank in the way it tends to get when she\u2019s upset but doesn\u2019t want to show it. \u201cCan I ask a question and get an honest answer?\u201d she says finally, her voice tight.<\/p>\n
“Oh.” I close my eyes, realizing what she\u2019s about to ask and kicking myself for not seeing what it looked like. \u201cShe knows about you,\u201d I reassure her. \u201cIt\u2019s not that.\u201d<\/p>\n
The stony expression eases, as does the tension in Esm\u00e9\u2019s shoulders. \u201cOkay,\u201d she whispers, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose. \u201cI had to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI get it.\u201d I half-smile. \u201cI told her a while ago, actually. Not long after you came out to me. She wasn\u2019t surprised, let\u2019s just put it that way.\u201d<\/p>\n
A corner of Esm\u00e9\u2019s mouth lifts slightly. \u201cNo one really was, weirdly enough. No one who mattered anyway. I mean some of the guys at work and in the game club took a while to come around but they\u2019re all mostly cool about it now.\u201d The slight smile fades. \u201cReally the only people who were outright assholes to me were \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour mom and dad,\u201d I finished for her. Esm\u00e9\u2019s mom and I did not <\/i>get on well, and her dad tended to treat me as beneath notice. \u201cYou and Rose started dating before you came out, right? Did she ever meet them?\u201d I ask in a softer voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom, once.\u201d Esm\u00e9 smiles wryly. \u201cI\u2019ve never seen an instantaneous hatred at first sight before, but I swear, when Rose walked in the room you could feel the temperature drop. Granted Rose had been warned by then but still.\u201d She scoffs a little. \u201cI got harangued later about having one of \u2018those people\u2019 in my house. If I\u2019d had silverware worth stealing she\u2019d probably have told me to start counting it every time Rose left.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFuck me,\u201d I groan. \u201cWhat a racist twatwaffle.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot news, as Rose would say. But yeah, neither of us is particularly mourning the loss. Which is fine, if I hadn\u2019t stopped talking to her when I did, you know she would have thrown all the tantrums if Sis and I even considered not coming for Christmas or Thanksgiving during the fucking pandemic.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I\u2019m glad you finally cut them off. They were always the absolute worst. Though\u2026 if you\u2019re not actually talking to them anymore,\u201d I muse, putting my chin on my fist and scrunching up my face as if thinking really hard, \u201chave you considered accepting arson as your lord and savior?\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 rolls her eyes. \u201cI\u2019m not driving out to the ass end of the state just to set their house on fire,\u201d she sighs, \u201cand neither are you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never let me do anything,\u201d I pout. \u201cMisogynist.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 splutters, gesturing wildly at herself.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo? Do you know how many women actively hate other women? Especially other white women?\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 grins. \u201cRose probably does. She went to Smith.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOooof,\u201d I laugh. \u201cPoor thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight?\u201d Esm\u00e9 shakes her head, then abruptly pulls me back into a hug. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, Sor,\u201d she whispers again into my hair.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d probably have stayed there just being held by Esm\u00e9 in a way I didn\u2019t exactly realize I\u2019d missed very badly were it not for a small, high-pitched noise beginning in the next room which gradually gets louder until it’s at a full shriek. It definitely twigs me in the part of my head that reacts to kids crying, and my grip on Esme tightens before I realize it’s the tea kettle on the stove. It only screams for a few moments before I hear a muffled \u201cfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck\u201d from the other side of the door as Rose runs into the kitchen to take it off the heat.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe never did figure out how to time a teapot correctly,\u201d Esm\u00e9 sighs, with fond exasperation.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a talent unique to you, gorgeous girl.\u201d I sit up, wiping my face one last time. \u201cIf she’s making tea maybe we should be in the kitchen.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esm\u00e9 nods and stands before offering me her hands. I let her pull me up before wrapping both arms around her waist and squeezing her. \u201cThank you,\u201d I whisper.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnytime,\u201d she says, hugging me back.<\/p>\n\n\n
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